Title: All There Is



Author: Rocket J (rocketjnycb@...)



Movieverse - Jean's POV



Summary:   Do you wait all your life for your great love to come along and

then when you find them settle into a boring routine with no romance, no

passion?



Rating: PG-13 (mostly for the vague reference to a Scott orgasm ;-))



Disclaimer: Marvel and 20th Century Fox own 'em.  I don't even have enough

money to give the dentist so don't bother to sue...



Archive: List archives, of course.  If you want it you just gotta ask!



Feedback: Fugu me, man!  I'm at rocketjnycb@...



Dedication: To everyone who was discussing exploring established

relationships a few weeks back.  Sorry but the brain sieve can't remember

EXACTLY who it all was!



Author's Notes:  Big thanks to Khylea for the beta (sorry girl, couldn't

wait for a second round ;-))!  This is sooooo not me.  I don't do Jean. I

don't do POV. I don't do angst, and yet, here it is.  Be gentle!



***



Jean sighed tiredly.  She'd been staring at her computer screen trying to

read an article on the Johns-Hopkins web site for the last half hour.  In

the past ten minutes she'd read the same paragraph ten times without

understanding a word.



She sighed again and turned to stare out the window of the bedroom she

shared with Scott.  It was mid-autumn and the leaves had just peaked in

their colors.  Jean tried to find some enjoyment in the beauty but it seemed

she couldn't find pleasure in much of anything these days.



For the past month she'd been walking around with a crushing weight on her

chest.  Depression; she knew it.  After consulting with the Professor, Hank

had prescribed her an anti-depressant which she dutifully took every day.

They suspected it was just a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder but she

knew it was more than that.



As the time wore on the only thing the medication did was make her able to

function, it didn't relieve the horrible ache in her soul.  It didn't make

her start caring whether she lived or died.



A tear slid down her cheek but she quickly brushed it away.  No matter how

bad she felt she almost never let herself cry about it.  No matter how

confused or disillusioned she was with her life she tried not to show it

outwardly.



She smiled for Scott and dutifully flirted with Logan; all the things

everyone had come to expect from her.  But there you had the crux of her

problem, Scott and Logan.



She loved Scott with all her heart and soul.  It was the only thing she

could point to in her life that gave her any joy at the moment.  She loved

cuddling up next to him on the couch reading a book while he watched the

news or one of those documentaries he was always so excited about.  Waking

up next to him was the best part of the morning.



They'd been together a long time.  They finished each others' sentences.

They loved each other deeply and their relationship was comfortable.  But

the passion they'd shared when they'd first been together was all but gone.



Scott was always so focused on being Fearless Leader, on always being in

control, it never occurred to him to do the sweet little spontaneous things

he'd done when they were first going together.



She remembered once, when they were first seeing each other, just mentioning

she wasn't feeling quite the thing and hoped she wasn't coming down with a

cold.   By that afternoon there were flowers and a Get Well card on her desk

in the lab.



These days there was zero spontaneous affection between them that she didn't

initiate.  Little hugs, love pats, kisses, they all originated from her.

She basically had to stand on her head to get sex and when they did make

love it was quick and perfunctory and Scott never came...



A huge part of the terrible ennui was the feeling of 'is this all there is?'

Do you wait all your life, she wondered, for your great love to come along

and then when you find them settle into a boring routine with no romance, no

passion?  Even her passion for her job and for the 'dream' was non-existent.



Which was where Logan came in.  It was no secret to anyone that he found her

desirable.  He flirted with her shamelessly and she'd be lying to herself if

she pretended she didn't like the attention, especially given the lack of

overt interest from Scott.



Logan was everything Scott wasn't.  Wild, spontaneous, dangerous.  She

couldn't help but be attracted to him.



She hated her life at the moment but didn't know how to change it and the

idea of Logan, even more than the man himself, was almost fatally

attractive.  How tempting a solution it seemed and she fantasized about

leaving Scott for Logan probably more than was healthy.



But she would never do anything about it.  She'd flirt with Logan and enjoy

his attention but both of them knew it was just a bond of friendship between

them and nothing would ever happen.  Scott was the man she loved and that

was that.



But the ache in her soul still wouldn't stop echoing...is this all there is?















***************************************************************

"He's all we've got!"



"Where's the man could ease a heart, like a satin gown?" -Dorothy Parker





Joanne NYC, USA