The One and only... Rekha


MEERA JOSHI

FILMFARE.COM [ TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 2002 6:09:18 PM ]

Sheer fluke. The fact that in my more than 18 years as a film
journalist, I haven't had the opportunity for a one-on-one with the
ultimate diva, Rekha. Our paths did cross and there have been the
occasional conversations on the phone but a penned down interview has
proved elusive.


Surprising, since like millions of others, I've carefully (tried to)
copy her look ever since I was a teenager. The huge bindi smack in
the middle of the eyebrows, pleats of the sari tucked at the navel so
that the pleats swish as you walk. The works in fact. Rekha is
perfection personified. Each shot is always, well, perfect. Whether
it's for a movie or the still camera. Maybe that's exactly why I must
have been that little bit reluctant to get to know her. Even a tiny
scratch could shatter the myth. Of course, my fears were swished away
within seconds of our sitting across the table at her first floor
office in Sea Bird at Bandra. There are no defences. An easy
conversation ensues which went somewhat like this:


You seem to be lying low. What have you been busy with?


Well, apart from shooting, I've been trying to put my house in order.
Weeding out the clutter, in a way. I've been handling my affairs
single-handedly for more than 30 years. It suddenly hit me that there
was no method in the madness. Almost every costume and piece of
jewellery I've used in a film or for a photo shoot has been my own.
For the past three years I've carefully been cataloguing each piece I
own for future reference, you know simplifying life. And then there's
the paper work. Filing can be so tedious and boring for someone with
my creative sense.


But it has to be done.


(Sighs) Yes, and I have to do it myself since only I know what's
what. And some of the stuff had gathered so much dust that I've
developed an allergy to it. It was quite bad for a long time, but I'm
better now after having started off on naturopathy medicines like
karela juice, barley water and neem.


How different are you today than when you first started out?


There's nothing different that I do now that I haven't done all my
life. To really get to know Rekha the star, you first have to get to
know me as a person. And the truth is that I'm still discovering who
I myself am. You can begin to know me if you're convinced and trust
me about what I say. Twenty-five years ago, I started sorting out
things in my mind. I learnt a lot. And I've been putting into
practice what I've learnt. My mother instilled some basic values in
me. She told me to do my best without expecting anything in return.
Apne karam karte jao. If someone is being really nasty to you,
there's a reason behind it. Have faith in yourself and trust in God.
Sometime in the future, you'll come across an explanation for their
actions.


And that's exactly what I've been doing. There have been
disillusionments, anxieties and at times there's been complete chaos
in my life. I've also tried to master the art of being able to
channelise the negatives, the pain in my life productively rather
than brood over the whys. I prefer to ask why not and try to figure
out how best I can live in such a situation.


Do you ever feel lonely?


I have always been alone but I've never been lonely... I've said this
before... But there was a sticker I used to have next to my bed
once, "You're never alone when you're pregnant." That was the time of
the baby boom... my sisters, my friends like Yogita Bali and Neetu
Singh were all having babies... Now I've come a full circle. Now I
know that you can never be alone as long as you have the ability to
think and feel. Even when you're by yourself, you can imagine, dream,
relish going back to your childhood, appreciate the time spent with
your loved ones. So where's the question of ever feeling lonely?
Somehow "lonely" sounds so sad and negative. I talk a lot, don't I?
Pehle bilkul nahin bolti thi. I kept everything inside me. But I've
understood that if I want to put my views across, I have to express
myself to a certain extent.


What brought about the change?


Many years ago, my close loved ones and my fans asked me to write my
biography because they feel I've had a very constructive life and
that there's so much I can teach and share with everyone. They feel
my experiences can make a difference in a common man's life. Like
they might feel that if `the' Rekha's gone through this, then hum kis
khet ki mooli hai. But an autobiography is something I will never
write. I'm an honest and truthful person and I would never want
anything but the truth to come out.


Having said that, I'd like to add that I'm a very, very shy and
private person. I don't believe it's necessary to part with every
little detail of your life in order to make a positive difference to
someone else's life.


I share my life through my interviews, my performanes. I don't think
it's important to give information to the press about your career--
how many films you've signed, how many hits you've had. It's so
boring to say, "Humne bahut mehnat ki," "Yeh film alag hai", "Music
hit hai" and stuff like that.


Films are just an itsy bitsy part of me. My interviews are a slice of
me. I learn a lot about myself through my interviews. I see my growth
through them, discover how honest I've been, the fun I've had with
words and whether the journo asking the questions has understood the
real details I want to part with. Actually, I've seen that the
interviews are more about the journos' point of view and their
interpretation of what I say and less about what I've really said to
them.


Is the life of an actress very stressed? There are so many cases of
actresses committing suicide down South like Monal.


The life of an actor is no different from that of any other human
being in any walk of life. We all have brains, hearts, families. The
pressures may vary in intensity but we all have our share of problems
and worries.


But yes, we actors do live a crash course of life through the
characters we portray. When an actor plays a particular character, he
discovers that these characters exist within you too. You start
looking at the world through the eyes of the character. We live many
lives in one life.


If I'm in a situation where there's something negative happening, as
an actor, a part of my brain is constantly registering the violence
or whatever for future reference. But if it's gossip happening, what
they say it won't get registered. Not that I have built a wall around
myself, call it conditioning. If someone is indulging in gossip, I
won't stop them saying "Bandh karo ye bakwas," I'll just store their
mannerisms and body language in my acting bank. That comes naturally
to me. Anyway, my nature has always been to overlook the trivial and
negative aspects of life and focus on the positive.


Is it really that easy to ignore negativity?


I have a choice, I can get depressed or become dysfunctional, indulge
in drugs, alcohol or toxic relationships and try to numb my pain in
vain or simply choose to feel the pain instead and allow it to enrich
my life making me a stronger and wiser person.


Like I may not be able to go to the West Bank to change the
Palestinian leader's mind or the Israeli leader's mind but I can get
out of my house and help the first person I come across who needs
help and make a difference to his or her life. That's the choice I
make.


Have you done that often?


Oh yeah, that's me. That's the way I survive, that's the way I've
always lived my life.


What exactly would you do?


Oh, if I bump into some urchin kid on the road I could just smile at
him or punch the little one in the stomach or tickle him... whatever.


People ask me how come I don't get upset when my loved ones don't
react the way I expect them to. That's when I tell them that it's
futile to expect. I know that it's not easy for a normal person to
stop expecting some kind of reaction. But even without expecting,
I've been bestowed with the world and some more. Beyond my wildest
dreams.


Every single moment that I can remember there's only been love, love
and more love not only from the people who matter to me but total
strangers as well. As for people who have had a profound meaning in
my life--good, bad or ugly, I thank them even for the negative
experiences that they brought because they've made much more of a
difference than even the positive influences. No brooding, no
sulking. No time for such trivilalities.




How do you begin your day?


I'm an early riser. I love nature and I like waking up to the
tweeting of birds. The first thing I do in the morning is bounce out
of bed and brush my teeth. I think the idea of breakfast in bed is
yuck. It's so unhygienic. It's another thing to make love with your
loved one the minute you wake up but that comes naturally. It's a
paradox but then that's me.


Do you believe in God?


I do pray. I love the burning of incense, ek mahaul banta hai. Then I
know that I'm in the right atmosphere to talk to him. He's the first
person I talk to and share my thoughts with. I thank him for making
me what I am, for being with me always, to help me live this day as
if it's my last. To help me follow my passions before it's too late.
The ritual itself may last a couple of minutes but I do have a
continuous dialogue with him... Yes even when I'm sleeping... believe
it or not!!


Do you pray to any one particular God?


I believe in a divine being. But yes, I do have favourites. As a
child, I was fascinated by Shiva--good-looking, a passionate dancer,
he embodies intensity and strength. He has perfect features--the
eyes, lips, long hair all fascinated me. He's a great dancer too.


Our kuldevta is Balaji and I walk up to the Tirupati shrine every
year. It's a ritual since childhood. On an average, it's a three to
four hour trek but sometimes I manage it in one-and-a-half hours.


You must be sprinting up.


Yes, I literally run up. When you're down or when your emotions take
over, then you're physically drained. And when I find my feet are
heavy, I conclude that an iota of ungratefulness is creeping in. I
promptly start counting my blessings to get back on track. Make it to
the temple as soon as I can!!


Any regrets?


Just one... Ha. Can't talk about it. No, I'm just kidding. There may
seem a lot of unfinished dreams but then my mind tells me to ease up.
That I'm still alive and I can make it happen. You can't keep just
hoping for the best always but you can gear yourself to achieve your
goals. So long as you're alive, there's always a chance. No time
limits.


Are there insecurities?


Trust me, sometimes there are. I'm only human and absolutely normal I
hope. At times, confidence is just the cover. Never judge a book by
its cover. One can exude confidence through looks but confidence can
only be judged through a person's deeds. You never know the end of
the book unless you reach the end. And again that depends on how you
interpret the writer's thoughts. It's very subjective you know.


People don't have to open the encyclopaedia of life to get answers to
simple questions. When I first came across gossip columns, I'd
screamed, "Mom, you keep telling me ke apne karam karte jao, and
don't react, But how can I keep quiet when they're indulging in
yellow journalism all around. Samne se to thok hi rahen hai, pichhe
se bhi chura bhonk rahe hain. You keep asking me to cool it. It
doesn't work. When I have children, I'll tell them to go out there
and fight, give it right back to them. And she said, "Child stop
right there. Just get on your knees and thank God for all that has
been bestowed on you before rattling away. See, what they write in
the tabloids has got nothing to do with you. It's their problem,
their job. If you believe they've back-stabbed you, then you're
allowing them to triumph. But if you ignore it and believe in
yourself, then it's like it never happened. They'll succeed only if
you allow them to see how much their actions have affected you. Just
ignore them."


Have you followed her advice?


There have been doubts and questions, I won't call them pain and
trauma. We tend to forget pain, no matter how profound and intense.
We seek happiness which doesn't exist. Searching for happiness in
vain can never make you a worthy person. It's how you view pain and
how you constructively channelise it is what finally makes the
difference. Now if there's any sort of "catastrophe" in my life, I
stop for a moment. That's exactly how long it takes for me to get a
hold on myself now. Earlier it used to take weeks, months or even
years which I spent shedding tears. Now I know better... I know that
this too shall pass.


Do you enjoy reading?


I don't read. Period. I've never read a book in my life. All
my "reading" and learning has been through the powers of hearing,
listening, smelling and watching TV and through the people I come
across every day.


Where's the need to pick up the paper when I can get all the news on
CNN while walking the treadmill? I'm very observant and that's very
crucial for any actor. My mom used to tell me I was sharp as a
toddler, sharper than all my siblings.


I also have a very sharp memory. In a way I consider that a negative
trait. Because I don't forget even that which I should. Sometimes, a
person becomes immune to certain things but not me. I'm not immune to
anything. Everything affects me. And how!!


It's said you never forget a face.


I don't forget anything. Period. Scientists claim we're using only a
minute part of our brain potential. I can store so much stock that
one lifetime won't be enough to use it all up. I keep grasping and
accummulating data--colours, seasons, atmosphere, just about
everything.


That's unusual.


You know why I think I'm like this? Because there's so little that's
happened to me in terms of events, profound moments. I live alone. I
don't meet very many people. I don't have a social life so to
speak... and nothing normal impresses me. So what I remember are the
rare moments that have affected me.


Since I meet very few people, I can recall exactly where and when I
met a particular person last. If I meet someone after 20 years,
that's the only memory of the person I have. So there's nothing "Wow"
about it. I'm just being practical. I remember people who connect
with me immediately. Of course, my mom and friends would beg to
differ and like to believe that I'm blessed with some divine stuff
from God which makes me this unique person with special senses.


What do you look on as your achievements?


I've done nothing. There are so many things one wants to do. Everyone
wants to be a mother. There are so many ways to look at motherhood.
I've been a mother to my mother, to my siblings, to my staff and co-
workers... even to strangers.


If it's not biologically, or for any other reason, possible you can
always adopt. Or you can just be a mother to your own self. That's
what true pampering is all about. It's not diamonds, fast cars or any
other gifts, it comes from within you. To respect what you have
within you and take care of it.


My sister tells me, "Akka, we look up to you for guidance and
protection." She insists I'll make a good counsellor. She feels I'm
being selfish in not sharing my experiences. She wants me to do a TV
show if not write my autobiography.


Any plans for a TV show?


There have been several offers. I believe Sri (Sridevi) has started
doing it. Everyone has their priorities and if that's what she wants
to do now, she should. I'm sure she'll do a fantastic job.


As for me, I may not be a perfectionist but my standards for myself
are really high. And if someone is willing to pay me an `X' amount of
money, I have to give them their money's worth. I wouldn't want to
let them down. I'd do everything in my power to give them my best...
correction, better than the best.


Is their anything in the pipeline?


When someone is offering you an obscene amount of money, it's time to
sit up and think. To wonder, "Why are they offering me so much?" They
obviously trust my capabilities, have done their survey and
researched my value. But I'd like to pleasantly surprise them with
something extra.


Would you be interested in a talk show?


Oh Gawd!! Naaah. Talk shows sound really bad. Haanji, ab aap
bataiye... Puhlease... a mere conversation cannot be termed
communication and I want to communicate with the world. Give them
back what I've received from them. How I do that is something I still
have to figure out. Whatever I do will be a part of me. As it always
has been with whatever I've done. Be it a look, a dance or whatever.


What's happening on the film scene?


Here we go again... Ha, ha... Ok... ok, I've just completed Dil Hai
Tumhara in which I play mother to Preity Zinta and Mahima Chaudhary
and there's Koi Mil Gaya in which I'm Hrithik Roshan's mom. I'm being
asked why I'm playing mother roles, that I should still be doing
films like Khubsoorat and Umrao Jaan.


But excuse me, I've always played mother roles right from Barkha
Bahar which I did when I was 14. In Sada Suhagan I played Govinda's
mother. People have short memories. I've played mother, grandmother,
mother-in-law, I've done it all. I want to explore all kinds of
relationships, characters negative and positive and even genders.


What kind of relationships?


I'm being very honest with you. I have never had a real relationship
on a normal, consistent, day-to-day basis with anyone. Be it my
mother, father, brothers, sisters, my brothers- in-law, my husband,
my lover, whoever. That's God's own truth. And with me, it's always
been like that, destined that way. I don't know how to relate to
people, what it's like to interact with anyone on a daily basis. I
left home very young. I came to a strange city, didn't know the
language, didn't have friends or godfathers. I've been a loner all my
life.


Don't you find that odd?


Odd? Well, it's certainly not what I chose. It's something that was
preordained for me. But I did have the chance to respond and react to
situations and learn how to do things my way. I made my own world, a
heaven in which I live like a princess.


I have the choice to brood and sulk and ask why I never became a
mother when everyone else did, even Sri. But comparisons are not
going to help. You have to think and figure out your own unique story
and live it to the best of your abilities.


Know something? I still have this burning need to give my best...
have the entire world who loves and believes in me... I must have
done something right in my last birth to deserve all this adulation
and the gift of being "Rekha". In fact, it's just the beginning to an
endless end.