From Jeannette Walls' MSNBC column The Scoop (email newsletter
only), a supplement for today's "Parting Shot" on the news page (no,
of course the column isn't real. Just the quotations):


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Hello Readers,

That dreadful Scooper lady isn't writing the newsletter this week
because Daddy and Harvey and Uncle Stevie called some friends who
said I could write it to set the record straight on a few things.
Aren't they the greatest?

I thought it was time you got to know the real Gwyneth
Paltrow. "There's this person called Gwyneth Paltrow running around
out there who is created by the rest of the world. She is the sum of
all this stuff that people project on her. She is make-believe. And
I am in no way connected to this particular person." I just wanted
you to hear the truth from me, instead of all those ridiculous
people who are obsessed with me, my private life, and my incredible
sense of style. I mean, "People who do not know me yet who can
conjure up all these conceptions about me. It is infuriating. The
tabloids, the gossip rags, the magazines that print nothing but
lies, lies and lies."

"It gets so bad that I wish Gwyneth Paltrow isn't my name, you
know?" Now, Dear Readers, you may notice from time to time that I
quote myself. That's right. Words within quote marks are actual
utterances by Gwyneth Paltrow, because, the way I see it, why tamper
with perfection?

Being Gwyneth Paltrow isn't as easy as you think. Being the
incredibly beautiful daughter of famous and successful parents and
dating only world-famous hotties can be really trying. I mean, back
when I was at Spence, "I felt like an outsider at times. The other
girls were mean to me at points. It was like, 'Wow, she has too
much.' "

You may have read lately that I'm dating the Crown Prince of Spain.
Well, I'm just not going to comment. "I'm just sick of all this
interest in Gwyneth Paltrow" and "I'm soooo fed up of her. It's so
tiring having to discuss Gwyneth Paltrow all the time." "If it is
not Gwyneth the daughter of somebody today, it is Gwyneth the
girlfriend of somebody tomorrow. It is all so trite."

Besides, I just can't trust people in the media. Like that mean
photographer from Harper's who got me to take off my panties. "The
photographer lied to me and said he wasn't going to put my whole
bottom in the picture, and he did."

Anyway, the most recent, most annoying case of those awful people in
the press taking what I said totally out of context occurred
recently when I made some innocent sociological observation about
how only two British men have asked me out on dates in the last few
months. I merely noted that British men "don't call, they don't pay
for dinner and they don't initiate sex." I added that "the modern
English male knows little to nothing about courtship and what he does
know frightens him. . . I think a lot of it is down to the coldness
of British culture."

Can you believe some British people actually got all offended? So I
had to explain that, "I feel very close to the British people and
the British culture. I first went to England when I was 10 and my
mother was shooting a TV series there. So I have the advantage of
being an American who understands British culture."

Honestly. It's those vulgar Americans I can't stand. "I was at a
party [in America] with a bunch of young people and a girl came up
to me and said: 'Oh, my God! Are those Juicy Jeans?' " It was just
horrible. "I was just so shocked with the difference in the culture
and the life. I knew I had to get back to London, so I bought a
little house there. It's my pied-a-terre. It was a silly incident,
but it made me realize I can't live in America. I love London. It's
really where I feel I need to be."

I mean, really! Juicy Jeans? Has that poor young person never heard
of Versace? "Versace. Couture. It's an incredible pant. . . . Of all
of them Stellie [my dear friend Stella McCartney] makes the best
pants. I have, like, all the pants she ever made."

But don't even get me started on fashion. "Dressing is almost like
my second job." And it's not easy. Most people would be shocked to
know that I don't even use a stylist! "I don't want to be styled,
and I don't care what people think about what I wear. Imagine how
awful it would be if I dressed for other people?" I have better
taste then them, anyway. But it's a lot of work. "It's exhausting
if I'm doing junkets and putting together all these outfits and I
can never wear the same thing twice."

Then, after I do all the work, those off-the-rack types rip off my
look!! "Sometimes I see a commercial for something and I
think, 'They're totally ripping me off! I saw one the other night
for an outlet and [the model] was completely dressed up in my kind
of style. I was like 'Hey, wait a minute, that's kind of me.' It was
very my hair and very, you know, a black-sleeveless turtleneck and
some little skirt and boots. I don't know. It just reminded me of
myself."

Like that pink Ralph Lauren dress I wore to the Oscars with the
diamond princess necklace that Daddy bought me. "Afterwards, I kept
seeing that dress everywhere. BCBG knockoffs or whatever, and I was
like, 'I hate that dress.' " But yoga has helped me regain my
perspective and sense of self. "Now, when I see that dress, I die
for it. I think it's so beautiful."

But enough of all this talk of clothes. I'd rather focus on
something really significant. Like my hair. I mean, everyone is
jealous of me and thinks I don't have to work hard on anything, but
the truth is my hair is naturally brown and frizzy. "Straightening
my hair is big for me in terms of feeling confident. If I have
frizzy big hair, I feel like I have zero sex appeal and charisma. If
I have straight hair, I feel like half of my outfit battle is over."

The blond thing is central to my Gwynethness. "I really am into my
hair color." "I dyed it for a role in a film called Bounce. The
director was very tired of the blonde Gwyneth Paltrow person. And I
was, too. So [then there was] a new Gwyneth Paltrow person." "For
me, personally, I had more fun as a brunette because nobody
recognized me. So [I was] sneaking out all over the place and nobody
knew who I am. So I had more fun as a brunette."

But I'd rather be a famous neurotic blonde than a happy anonymous
brunette, so I went back to being blond. And I deal with the
unhealthy level of energy focused on me through yoga. "I thought, I
really have to work on separating myself from this public image
where people write about me and stick my picture in everything
all the time. So I just tried to do that. And yoga is super helpful
for that."

But yoga comes with its own challenges. "Two days ago, I was doing
my yoga practice and it was incredibly difficult and I started to
cry. But it was very cleansing. It was a good cry."

It also helps to hang out with my dear friend and fellow annoying
Anglophile, Madonna. Like me, Madonna also really, really hates her
incredible, worldwide fame. We chat about it while we're sitting in
the front row of the Versace fashion shows. "We're friends because
she's a fantastically interesting woman, very powerful within. We
are on similar paths in our lives -- what we eat, our yoga and stuff
like that."

"She took me to her yoga class four years ago and the teacher there
transformed my life." (The other thing that "changed my life" is
Brazilian bikini waxes.) "And then I introduced Madonna to
macrobiotics."

I eat stuff like spelt not because I want to stay reed thin. "It's
about eating cleanly. I have to do something extreme to balance the
fact that I live this extreme life." "There is nothing I really
crave. If I eat sugar, it gives me a headache. I really pay for it
now. I stopped drinking liquor. Last night I had a sip of margarita,
the combination of the liquor and the sugar . . I was really sick
instantly. It is really hard for me now to eat bad stuff or drink
bad stuff." But sometimes, when I'm feeling wild and crazy and
hedonistic, I just cut loose. "For example, this morning I had a
papaya, which isn't macrobiotic because it's a tropical fruit. . . .
Sometimes I eat tomatoes, which aren't macrobiotic, or some
nightshade vegetables."

Besides, being fat sucks. I wore my fat suit from "Shallow Hal" out
in public once and I felt no sexual energy from men." "It was
awful." It was worse than being around British guys.

No such problem from Prince Felipe of Spain. Grace Kelly eat your
heart out. I just hope that Felipe doesn't start wearing bad
shoes. "I've hung out with guys all night and thought, "Great,' and
then you get to the shoes and it's like, 'Sorry. Goodbye. Nice to
meet you.'"

But if Felipe commits an unpardonable fashion crime, there's always
Daddy. You may find this totally shocking, but "I'm totally Daddy's
girl. You know, he's my best friend, he's just the most incredible
man ever. He's so funny. He's so open-minded. We hang out together."
Daddy took me for my first trip to Paris when I was 10 years
old. "We did all the sights and stayed at the Ritz and I could order
whatever I wanted and had, like, a Coke for breakfast. On the way
back, he said, 'Do you know why we went to Paris, just you and me,
and why Mummy and Jake stayed in London? I wanted you to see Paris
for the first time with a man who will love you for ever, no matter
what.' I'm telling you. Isn't that the best? He really is the best."

See? Now you know the real Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm just an ordinary
person like you-- only better. Ta ta for now.

Fondly (just don't get too close),

Gwynnie


P.S. Nick Nolte is a sort-of-blond. But I am soooo glad I don't have
his hair problem. Check out: http://www.msnbc.com/m/c/ct_scoop.asp?
811905.asp

P.P.S. Also, if you insist, you can catch that dreadful Scooper lady
on MSNBC Cable, on Mondays and Wednesdays at 9:50 a.m. and 4:50 or
5:50 p.m. If she says omething about me, well, just remember: That's
not the real Gwyneth Paltrow.


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