Hi,
Well what can I say? I watched Musketeers Forever. Laura went out and I
was at a bit of a loose end. I was going to play some San Andreas on PS2
but I suddenly suffered a particularly bad attack of the old robophobia.
Once I'd crawled out from under the table and apologised to the neighbours
for screaming so much, I had a quick look for something to watch instead.
"Musketeers Forever, that looks fun" I said to myself whilst mopping the
dribble from my chin. I almost lost it when I went to use the DVD player
but I kept telling myself "It's not wearing a terrible '70's BBC Costume
department outfit, so it can't be a nasty robot". Having finally managed to
put the film on I sat back to relax and enjoy the proceedings.
Hmmm...Interesting I thought as the opening sequence revealed a middle age
Lee Majors as Ben O'Conner, smoking a large cigar and looking suspiciously
like he's been dipped in fake tan and fitted with a mid-price toupee. He's
playing what the back of the box assures me is a "high stakes poker game" -
he puts in his fake Rolex to cover the bet. His opponents are of course all
the usual stereotypes which need no description here. He wins and throws
some chips in the air at which point the director decides to do a
particularly pointless arty shot. Ben O'Conner uses his winnings to buy a
club for himself, his two ex-special service buddies and D'Artagnon the son
of their fallen comrade. The Musketeers Club is duly opened and before you
can say "send in the useless bad guys" they've already turned up and made a
pathetic nusiance of themselves. The bad guys want to build a casino on the
local indian reservation which will act as a front for a drugs processing
plant or some other total nonsense. Apparently by building it on the indian
reservation the "Feds" won't be able to touch them...hmmm good plan. All
they have to do is get the local indians to play ball, they don't. The Bad
guys get nasty so Bent O'ver and his pals help the indians out. That is
pretty much this film in a nutshell except it features lots of stupid
musketeers references for little or no reason, lots of brainless injun
drivel and one of the most laughable sets of villians I have yet seen. The
main one looks like a rabid version of that bloke from Spaced and Shaun of
the Dead (Simon Pegg?). His girlfriend is some daft tart who is attempting
some kind of accent with all the skill of well a daft tart actually. As for
the rest, oh dear - not big not hard and certainly not at all clever.
It's a shame to see Lee Majors in this kind of low budget straight to
looney..I mean bargain bin stuff. He used to be the Six Million Dollar Man
you know, with all those robotic implants...robotic NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH LEAVE ME ALONE NYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAA.........