EDITOR'S NOTE: Scheduled to appear next weekend in a six-part mini-series
starting on January 22nd on the Public Broadcasting Service ( PBS – that's
Channel 13 for us here in NYC ) is Bleak House , starring Gillian "The X-Files
" Anderson as a horny, gothic Victorian lady who faints every time she
fantasizes about large male penises.
Before watching the scorching Straightheads movie that will be in
theaters later this year, the viewer is urged to use Bleak House as a kind of
warm-up. That's how sizzling-hot Gillian is. If you don't heed this paper’s
warning, they'll be carrying you out of the cinema in a stretcher ! And won't
that be so embarrassing for you? Oh, and here's a clue while you're watching
Bleak House . Remember how you’ve noticed that in so many British mystery
novels, plays and films it's usually a case of "The Butler Did It !" or "The
Maid Did It !" ? Well, in this case, it's more like "The Pussy Cat Did It !"
What follows are only the highlights of a message that radio
"shock-jock" Howard Stern posted in mid-March of last year, 2005. Prior to that
infamous posting, the engaged actress, Gillian Leigh Anderson – that seductive,
pouty-lipped temptress of X-Files fame – had been in England for some time
carrying on illicit multiple affairs with men from the British Royal Family, as
well as English directors, producers and co-stars, while her daughter was many
thousands of miles away being reared by her actual biological father, none other
than The X-Files creator, Chris Carter.




Very soon after that posting, how do we find Gillian? Cooling her
wild oats with her naive, newly-married husband, Julian Ozanne, and finally
demonstrating something resembling a maternal role by bringing her daughter,
Piper, over to England where she is currently raising her.
After postponing the wedding for over a year, Gillian finally agreed
to tie the knot with Ozanne – a disgustingly fat, unctuous man who when standing
next to Gillian looks like he could pass for her father. Ozanne's slight
connection to the British Royal Family was too valuable for Gillian to avoid
seizing upon when she first arrived in the U.K. in the summer of 2002 ( on the
heels of the cancelation of her series ) and was desperate to make influential
connections in London's entertainment community. And, apparently, Gillian's
millions were too valuable for Ozanne, in turn, to avoid, as well, for he has
now quit his prior vocations and is quickly separating Gillian from her
dwindling X-Files riches as she struggles to finance his frivolous new
ventures.
A cause-and-effect relationship? It is painfully true that his
irreverent acid-tongue comments, rapid-fire questions and unforgiving style of
interrogation make even the most interview-savvy of the world's celebrities (
and even professional interviewers, themselves ) cower and quake in his
shark-like wake, but still, COULD HOWARD STERN'S MERE BLOG POSTING
ACTUALLY HAVE CARRIED SUCH PHENOMENAL INTERNATIONAL INFLUENCE ? I always
thought that "Dana Scully" was always ready to kick ANY guy in the balls and not
give a damn what he thought or said about her. Well, you be the judge. Read on
and decide for yourself.

________________________________________________________________________________\
__________________

__



Hey, my world-wide fans. It's me, the "King of All Media" HOWARD STERN.

Earlier this week, my radio station had our female listeners call in and talk
about the Valentine's Day presents that their boyfriends got them last month.
Too many of them said that the gifts sucked. Guys, when are you gonna learn
that if you want your babe to be happy about the G-string or garter belt you got
her, it better come attached to something she can REALLY use, like a purse or
jewelry?

Well, someone's gotta be the man here, so while most of those guys struck out,
I'm gonna step up to the plate and swing for the fences. Here's my very late
Valentine's Day present to all my hundred-million fans.



It's an erotic novellete that was voted and received two awards in Las Vegas
for being "The Best Adult Short Story Ever Written."

It stars "Baywatch Babe" CARMEN ELECTRA / "World Wrestling Entertainment's
Ultimate Diva" TORRIE WILSON / "Xfiles Babe" GILLIAN ANDERSON / and "Everybody's
Babe" PATRICIA HEATON. But what would all this tasty cheesecake be without
something to beef it up? That's where DAVID DUCHOVNY and MITCH PILEGGI from the
XFILES come in.

My adult fans will appreciate it as a kick-ass story with lots of hot sex, but
SCI - FI ADDICTS won't be disappointed either. The part in chapter 5 about what
spooky stuff is actually going on in the moon right now and that our government
is keeping secret from us (surprise! surprise!) had me all freaked out. I was
shaking in my high-top Reeboks. And my listeners know I don't scare easily.
Death to the F.C.C.! Down with the F.C.C.!

Plus, it rips away all the bells and whistles that Hollywood has adorned the
UFO Phenomenon with for the past five decades by revealing for the first time in
history the true, cold, hard facts that explain what those sightings really
consist of and what their purpose is. Once again, our government does NOT want
you to have this info.
Here's what "THE OUTLAW CRITIC" had to say:


During my long, illustrious career under the direction
of Hugh Heffner, I have reviewed over 7,000 sexy short stories and
adult movies from dozens of men's magazines, journals and
catalogues. Without exception, Bobby Diaz's "An Enchanting
Evening with Gillian Anderson" leaves all of them buried in its
sinful dust. Like a samurai's sword, it slices through so many levels of
pop culture. The winner of two literary awards, it encompasses
many genres of human experience, from today's presidential
election to the next race four years hence, from ethnic discrimination to
urban blight, from the drugging of America to support for our troops
overseas, from history's WWII to today's terrorism to tomorrow's lunar
exploitation. At the speed of light, it travels from the tiny
molecules within human cells to exploding
galaxies all around us, with continuous references to such shows as
Seinfeld, Sex and the City, Fear Factor, and Letterman, and such
personalities as Princess Di, Cruise, Spacey, DeNiro,
Clooney, Kidman, Connelly, Jolie, Hayek, Weaver, Pacino, Gere,
Spears, Madonna, Bronson and Branson, Trump, the two Jacksons, the
two Clintons, and other luminaries, while audaciously tickling our
collective memories of movies (many, many movies), TV shows, commercials,
and songs of today and days gone by, seamlessly stitched into
the very fabric of the plot. I have never seen this done before. He is a
master at it and it's truly a wonder to behold. Bobby Diaz's
short story is a riveting tour de force that boldly proposes the invention
of the "DOUBLE THONG" in women's wear and the "MARS MOTH TECHNIQUE" of
a certain "back-door" form of sexual
intercourse as it rudely yanks off the bed covers of the
behind-the-scenes sex going on in the set of the X Files and the
behind-closed-door dalliances of British Royalty. And all of this
smoothly unfolding against A TORRID, RAUNCHY BACKDROP OF
JAW-DROPPING SEX that had this seasoned critic screaming out
loud in shock multiple times. I can unequivocally state that this short
story is destined to become required reading in college sexology
courses throughout modern, enlightened society. I dare say, Mr. Diaz
can now be crowned the "Father of Impossible Sex." Grab a pair
of oven mitts to avoid burning your fingers, and then turn the pages at
your own risk!







And the "Erotique Critique," the anonymous newsletter that is circulated among
the top-secret sex clubs of London's rich and famous acclaims, "Bobby Diaz's
Novelette is certain to become the Harry Potter of the adult sex industry. Soon
anyone and everyone who classifies themself as sexually liberated and erotically
illuminated will have read it from cover-to-cover many times. Scandalous,
memorised quotes are already being shouted in brutish rave clubs and whispered
in sophisticated restaurants from ear-to-ear-to-shocked-ear. All one has to do
is listen, and then prepare to gasp. Mr Diaz has generated a new wave of sexual
revolution, and it's coming for you."

I found out about these reviews last week over the Infinity Broadcasters'
Newswire while on the air and I asked my fans to fax me a copy of the story. The
first one to find and fax it got comped at Score's. One of my sexy interns bound
the pages into a little pamphlet for me and I started reading it on my
chauffeured ride back home. I couldn't put it down. Even during dinner I had my
fork in one hand and the hot pamphlet in the other.

I finished reading it in bed and all I could think about was I got to let my
fans in on this. The smart ones will read one or two of the hot chapters out
loud to their babes. But be prepared to call in sick the next day because
guaranteed as shit stinks you're gonna spend the whole night before making
whoopee!



The story's main character is Gillian Leigh Anderson. The ever illusive
Gilly.


A lot of my fans will remember that back in '97 I invited Gillian Leigh
Anderson, the main character of the Hot Story, to my studio for an interview.
She had just finished winning an Emmy (and three Golden Globes) for best actress
in a drama series. But I had heard through the radio-frequency grapevine that
the crew over at the Xfiles were pissed-off that Gillian never officially
thanked them when she accepted her Emmy. She exclusively thanked only her
family.

Out of revenge, the producers and writers of the Xfiles started plotting a way
to kill off her character and bring a new, big-breasted Dana Scully onboard. But
her boss/lover Chris Carter tipped her off and to prevent it from happening
Gillian took out ads in the Hollywood trade papers where she personally thanked
all of the Xfiles crew for enabling her to win the much-coveted Emmy.

The reason Gillian thanked only her family at first was that they were the
ones that were actually raising her baby daughter Piper Maru who was only two at
the time.

Even though I'm hung like a pimple, Gillian Anderson always gave me scary
bulges in my pajamas. I remember watching the Xfiles on Sunday nights in bed
with a whole box of Kleenex tissues under the covers with me. (As usual, my
sexually repressed, ex-wife would be downstairs minding the rugrats.) By the
time the closing credits were flashing by, I had used up most of the box. Just
one big sticky wet mess.

While watching Gillian during all those Xfiles episodes I just knew that there
was no way she could look that hot, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, without
any bags under her eyes, if she was constantly getting up in the middle of the
night for all those breast feedings during the second and third seasons. Instead
it was Grandma Anderson and Auntie Z. that were breaking out the hundreds of
warm milk bottles and suffering all that sleep deprivation.

I also learned that Gillian's boss Chris Carter was her baby's REAL daddy -
not Gillian's ex-husband Clyde Klotz, which turned out to be the reason for
their low-key divorce.

I also learned that Carter ripped off not only the "Out There" epigraph to his
Xfiles show, and the names Dana, Fox, and Scully, but several other key concepts
from the 1990 investigative book Out There: The Government's Secret Quest for
Extraterrestrials by Howard Blum, best-selling author and Pulitzer Prize
nominee, former New York Times journalist, published by Simon and Schuster, the
same great visionaries who published my own awesome book.

Back in 1997 I wanted to ask Gillian Anderson about all of this, but she
declined my invitation several times. But now, in mid-March of 2005, now that
Hollywood is in talks to putting out the sequel to the first Xfiles movie, which
was rerun on Fox5 here in NYC this past Halloween, my offer still stands.
My sexy interns did some last-minute research and just today I found out
that Gillian Anderson can't deal with even looking at her own daughter (now 10)
because she is the spitting image of Chris Carter (that is, homely-looking and
big-headed) and whenever Gillian looks at her it reminds her of how she cheated
on her fiance and got pregnant by her boss Chris. That is why to this day poor
Piper is still being raised by Gillian's family in Vancouver, British Columbia
and Gillian herself is half a world away enjoying the carefree single life in
the U.K. where she's been seen many times jumping from bed to bed in the male
side of the Royal family.

Gillian, stop being a spoiled pussy! Stop hiding out in England and come in
here and do the interview. What, do I have to morph myself into lesbian Ellen
Degeneris before you'll agree to come? You already know some of the questions
I'll be asking you. I also want to know how you feel about your role in the sexy
short story below. Make sure you read it nice and good, 'cuz there's gonna be a
pop quiz!

The lines are now open.




Now THAT'S what I'm talkin’‘bout !!!
Howard "King of All Media" Stern
























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