Hey everyone! : ) My name is Crystal, and I just joined this
group! I'm a playwright from Charleston, SC who specializes in 10-
minute plays, monologues, and musicals, and I'm hoping to move to
L.A. in the future to pursue a career in sitcom-writing (it will
also be easier to do my plays there because unlike Charleston, L.A.
has more than 1 theatre that does original plays)! I recently found
out that a few of my plays will be performed in France next summer
(my friend has a theatre company there), so I thought I'd start off
by posting one of those plays here and seeing what you guys think of
it! It's a 10-minute play called "For I Am Zeus," and it's about
Zeus trying to pick up a woman in a bar! I hope it makes you laugh!


For I Am Zeus


Setting: A bar called Dionysian Delights.

At rise: LINDSEY, blonde, 25, and dressed in a tank top and short
skirt, is sitting alone at a table for two. As she takes a sip of
her appletini, ZEUS, wearing a toga and holding a lightning bolt in
one hand and a scepter in the other, approaches her.


ZEUS
Mind if I join you?

LINDSEY
(setting her drink down)
Actually-

(ZEUS sits down and props his scepter and lightning bolt against the
chair.)

ZEUS
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Zeus, god of everything. I
know, I know, it's a pleasure to meet me.

LINDSEY
I've never heard of you.

ZEUS
Sure you have! I live on Mount Olympus, where I rule the heavens,
I'm a master of disguise, and I have a bunch of kids…because I'm
great at seducing women.

(ZEUS kisses Lindsey's hand.)

LINDSEY
(uncomfortably)
Could you not do that? I don't even know you!

ZEUS
All you need to know is that no woman can resist me, for I
am Zeus!

LINDSEY
I'm sure some women can resist you.

ZEUS
Nope! When I want a woman, I get her…my success rate is one hundred
and ten percent.

LINDSEY
That isn't possible; nothing can be more than one hundred
percent.

ZEUS
When you're a god, anything is possible…
(winking)
Anything. And that's why you're going home with me tonight.

LINDSEY
No, I'm not!

ZEUS
Yes, you are…for I am Zeus.

LINDSEY
I don't care who you are!

ZEUS
You know, I own this place.

LINDSEY
I thought it was owned by some guy named Dionysus.

ZEUS
Well, he's my son and I own him, so technically I own this
bar.

LINDSEY
I don't think that's how it works.

ZEUS
Oh, I'm sorry, are you a god?

LINDSEY
No.

ZEUS
Well, I am and I know everything. When you become an omnipotent
ruler, you can make the rules.

LINDSEY
I don't want to be an omnipotent ruler.

ZEUS
Don't worry, you're a woman, so you never will be.

LINDSEY
What's that supposed to mean?

ZEUS
Nothing, just that women aren't capable of being good rulers.

LINDSEY
That is not true!

ZEUS
I'm not being sexist, but a true leader must rule with an
iron fist…
(disdainfully)
Not a freshly manicured hand slathered in lavender-scented
moisturizer!

LINDSEY
You are sexist!

ZEUS
You mean sex-y.

LINDSEY
Whatever.

ZEUS
In order to be a successful ruler, you must be a manly man who
strikes fear into the hearts of all that must answer to you.

LINDSEY
It has to take more than that! What about compassion or
understanding-

ZEUS
(jumping up suddenly)
Look at how strong I am!

(ZEUS picks up the lightning bolt and lifts it over his head with
one arm, then keeps moving it up and down, as if he is lifting
weights.)


ZEUS
I'm not even breaking a sweat!

LINDSEY
(rolling her eyes)
Impressive…

(ZEUS throws the lightning bolt in the air and catches it with one
hand. He puts it down and flexes his muscles.)

ZEUS
Watch out for these guns…if you're not careful, you might
get shot.

LINDSEY
(repulsed)
Oh, my god.

ZEUS
Don't act like you don't love the guns. You know you want
to touch them.

LINDSEY
No, I really don't.

ZEUS
Of course you do, and who could blame you? I've got a chiseled body
even the most muscular god would envy! Now you will touch the guns,
for I am Zeus.

(ZEUS flexes his muscles and flicks each bicep.)

ZEUS
Alright, the safety's on. Go ahead and feel `em.

LINDSEY
No, thank you. I'm not really into guns.

ZEUS
Not even these guns?

LINDSEY
Especially not those guns.

ZEUS
You mean you don't want to pull my trigger?

LINDSEY
(looking as if she might vomit)
I've never wanted anything less.

ZEUS
Not even malaria?

LINDSEY
Okay, getting malaria might be a tiny bit worse than
touching you.

ZEUS
I knew I'd wear you down. You know how?

LINDSEY
For you are Zeus?

ZEUS
Yes, for I am Zeus, and all women want to sleep with me, even the
lesbians…and some men!

LINDSEY
Really…

ZEUS
And you know what? Some of those guys weren't even gay…can you
believe it? I'm so incredibly sexy that even straight guys can't
live without me!

LINDSEY
Good for you.

ZEUS
My own family members can't resist me! I slept with an aunt and two
of my sisters…and I married both of the sisters. I wasn't married
to Demeter for very long, but it feels like I've been married to
Hera for an eternity.

LINDSEY
If you're married, what are you doing hitting on random
women in bars?

ZEUS
I'm married, not dead. We have an open relationship.

LINDSEY
Does she know that?

ZEUS
She suspects it. What do you expect me to do? Spend all of
eternity just sleeping with my sister?

LINDSEY
You're disgusting!

ZEUS
What? She came onto me!

LINDSEY
I can believe that you're sick enough to hit on your relatives, but
I refuse to believe that any woman is desperate enough to come on to
her brother!

ZEUS
What if her brother is really hot?

LINDSEY
That doesn't make it okay!

ZEUS
Sure it does…regular rules don't apply to beautiful people. If they
did, there would be chaos.

LINDSEY
I think that having sex with your family members qualifies as
chaos. In fact, it's the most disgusting-

ZEUS
(interrupting her)
Silence, mortal! You do not understand the ways of the gods. Even
trying to understand would make your head explode…literally. That's
what happened to Dionysus' mother-she asked to see my true form and
it was so magnificent that she burst into flames…that's probably why
Dionysus drinks so much.

LINDSEY
What did you mean when you said she asked to see your true
form?

ZEUS
Oh, I disguised myself as the guy she was in love with to get her to
sleep with me. She didn't even realize that the guy she slept with
was me until the next morning when she woke up four months pregnant.

LINDSEY
(skeptical)
What?

ZEUS
Yes, I'm that good. I slept with this one chick nine nights in a
row and she got pregnant every time! Boy, was she mad when she
ended up with nine kids-she hates children! Last I heard, she was
locked up in an insane asylum; I guess she just couldn't handle it
when I left her…most women have a really hard time getting over me.

LINDSEY
Yeah, I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that you left her
alone to raise nine children…

ZEUS
Nope, it was the Zeus withdrawals.

LINDSEY
Having nine kids would send anyone to an asylum-it's the only way
they'd get any peace!

ZEUS
I've got dozens of kids and I turned out fine!

LINDSEY
Uh, no, you didn't, and you don't take care of your kids! You just
knock the mothers up and leave!

ZEUS
That's a lie! I'm a great father!

LINDSEY
Do you even know how many kids you have?

ZEUS
Of course I do. I have eighty…or is it ninety?

LINDSEY
You have so many kids that you don't even know the exact number!
Don't you think you might have a problem?

ZEUS
I'll figure it out. Just let me do the math.
(counting on his fingers)
Hera-3, Demeter-1, Leto-2, Mnemosyne-9, Themis-6, Elektra-3, Niobe-
2, Kallisto-1, Pandora-2…

LINDSEY
(disgusted)
How many women have you gotten pregnant?

ZEUS
I don't know, fifty or so. You could be number fifty-one or so if
you play your cards right…

LINDSEY
I do not want to give birth to anything with your messed-up,
sister-loving DNA!

ZEUS
You would be lucky to have my babies-there's a reason so many women
want me!

LINDSEY
Oh, really? Then why did you have to trick Dionysus' mother into
sleeping with you? How many other woman have you tricked by
disguising yourself as something other than a conceited jerk?

ZEUS
Hey, I resent that…and it was only ten.

LINDSEY
But you're a god! Why would you need to disguise yourself in order
to seduce women?

ZEUS
Some women feel threatened by my good looks. You'll never
understand because you're not as beautiful as I am.

LINDSEY
You know, disguising yourself so you can have sex with unsuspecting
women technically makes you a rapist. That's no way for a god to
act!

ZEUS
The whole point of being a god is that you can take whatever
you want!

LINDSEY
You are a dirty old man! Now if you don't mind, my boyfriend is
supposed to meet me here, and I don't want to have to make him kick
your ass!

ZEUS
Yeah, like your mortal boyfriend could take me…

LINDSEY
I'm not going home with you, so you might as well leave.

ZEUS
(sighing)
Fine, I'll go, but I will have you eventually…for I am Zeus!

LINDSEY
Go away!

(ZEUS pouts and picks up his scepter and lightning bolt. He flexes
his muscles.)

ZEUS
Take a good look at these `cause you'll be seeing them in your
dreams every night!

LINDSEY
You mean nightmares?

ZEUS
(offended)
You know what? I changed my mind-I'm not going to sleep with you!
You could've had a piece of Zeus, but you just lost your chance!
Good job, genius!

(ZEUS storms out of the bar.)

LINDSEY
Finally!

(LINDSEY takes a sip of her watered-down drink as DAVE, a tall man
in his late twenties, enters and walks over to her.)

DAVE
I'm sorry I'm late.

LINDSEY
What took you so long?

DAVE
I got held up at work. You're not mad, are you?

LINDSEY
No, I'm not mad. It's just, some creep was hitting on me, and no
matter how many times I told him I wasn't interested, he wouldn't
leave me alone. He was relentless!

DAVE
I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner. So do you want to stay
here or-

LINDSEY
I'm too traumatized right now. Do you mind if we just go
home?

DAVE
Of course I don't mind.

(LINDSEY stands up; DAVE takes her hand and begins leading her out
of the bar. As he nears the exit, we see that part of a toga is
hanging out of the bottom of his shirt. DAVE turns to the audience
and winks. The lights fade to black.)